These phrases are simple, we use them everywhere, sometimes without thinking or giving them additional meaning. Such words and phrases can be called "politeness patterns." They were taught to us by parents and caring grandparents. But today these words no longer sound relevant and sometimes do not correspond to the meaning originally invested in them.
The negative effect of these words is manifested when a person is too abuse their use. Single and rarely mentioned, they still do not have such an effect.
Thank you (“thank you” and so on)
Some people openly abuse this simple word, which is not really bad. The habit of giving thanks is beautiful until it has grown into the habit of saying thank you in inappropriate situations.
Example: at work, the boss checked the employee’s work and found errors in it. Pointing to them, he ordered a redo of the report. And stammering, the employee replies: "Yes, of course, I will redo this minute, thank you very much for the comments, I missed it, sorry, thank you!"
Do you feel how self-doubt comes from this phrase? But, in fact, the man did nothing wrong: he simply thanked the boss for the adjustment. However, people around me hear something else: "I am not good for anything, everything is falling out of my hands, I am worthless, I constantly make mistakes and apologize."
Alternative: it would be enough to succinctly answer: "I understand you, I will remake and bring a new version." You trust in such an employee, because he is full of self-confidence.
Could you… ?
This phrase was originally built incorrectly, because it starts with a dangerous piece of "not." The Russian language is great, and therefore, uttering a similar phrase, the following meaning is invested in it: “I already know that you will refuse me, and I’m not at all worthy to ask for,” etc.
Example: you are sitting in a minibus, a large woman sits down next to an empty place, involuntarily pushing you. You, afraid, ask: "Could you move, you know, a little uncomfortable."
Do you think a woman will be delighted with this issue? And will it move? Indeed, the question has everything that should be in a bad phrase: initial denial, a hint of inconvenience and poor appearance (overweight) of the opponent.
Alternative: remove the “not” particle from this phrase, and from other subjunctive requests too. Now the question will be: "Could you ...?". Such a simple adjustment will fundamentally change your opponent’s attitude towards you!
Can… ?
An association with this word is interrogation words addressed to parents. “It is possible” and “not”, “good” and “bad” and other words go straight from childhood, smoothly flowing into adult reality. In fact, in everyday situations, you should not find out if something is possible for you or not - who will forbid? However, we say this because we consider this a polite treatment. And the effect of the word is the opposite - we are seen as insecure people.
Example: you are sitting in a cafe, and you don’t have a menu for a long time. You call the waiter passing by, asking: "Excuse me, can I have a menu?"
The waiter will certainly bring it to you immediately. But do you create the feeling of a confident person? Hardly.
Alternative: It’s much more effective to say, “Young man, bring me the menu.” With a special desire, you can add a polite "please", but, as a rule, this is not required - you have already created an image of a person who knows what he wants.
I really liked it…
Basically, this phrase has a positive charge, which means that people should like it. However, the overall impression of her is completely different: "The person said a general phrase, without specifics. Probably, he does not care or is not interested."
Example: You visited an exhibition of paintings by a friend artist who had been waiting and preparing for several years. You walk around the hall for a long time and answer his silent question: “I liked everything so much! It's just super!”.
This would probably work with a stranger, but certainly not with a close friend, relative or partner.
Alternative: specify your feelings and sensations. You can successfully comment on any thing, even if you do not understand anything in art (music, poetry, etc.). To do this, just note, according to your taste, its positive aspects. For example, say, “I appreciated that picture because it contains a harmonious combination of colors, and from it itself it blows with a pleasant coolness and autumn mood.”
Am I bothering you?
Nothing belittles personal human significance more than this phrase. She literally shouts to the opponent: "I am a self-doubt person, I am afraid to contact you once again, do not offend me."
Example: the boss called you to his office to discuss a trip to another city. You, afraid of a personal conversation, timidly knock on the door and ask: "I did not bother you?".
With this phrase you set up your boss in advance against yourself. Perhaps he will think a hundred more times before again giving you the opportunity to go on a business trip.
Alternative: as in the previous examples, there is only one advice - specify your desires, requests and questions. Just ask: "Will I come in?". If the boss is busy, believe me - you will understand this even with the help of such a concise phrase.
